This child’s story, in which no one respects his need for stability, belonging to both his father’s and mother’s families, safety and love, begins like many such stories: with a filing to the court.
Marzena (name changed), the mother of the five-year-old, files a petition to regulate contact with the child and limit the father’s parental authority. Marzena wants the court to allow the child’s father, Mariusz (name changed), to meet his son Marek (name changed) only six times a week (two Saturdays a month and every Wednesday afternoon). Marzena also wants the child to live with her until the court decides otherwise and for the court to limit the father’s parental rights—in other words, to leave decisions concerning the child’s upbringing and education to the mother.
Marzena knows that her son is very attached to his paternal grandfather, and this is precisely what worries and disturbs her. Limiting parental authority and contact with the child is intended, in a way, to force the father to take care of his son and thereby limit the child’s contact with his grandfather. Little Marek is supposedly asked by everyone what he would like, but no one adapts to the needs he has expressed. Needs that are simple. Like throughout his four years of life, little Marek wants unrestricted access to his entire family: his mother, father and grandparents. He clearly tells the psychologist that he loves his grandfather Mikołaj (name changed) very much and wants to see him often.
Beloved granddad
Anyone who has been a grandfather’s favorite knows what kind of love that is. It is so strong and intense that grandfather and grandson simply adore each other. The grandfather indulges the child’s every whim, but above all, his grandson has his undivided attention. For a little boy with busy parents, that is the most important thing. He loves his grandfather with all his heart and can protest by crying when they part.
The child lived with his mother and father in Bolesławiec until March 2023. Grandfather Mikołaj lived in a small town about a 40-minute drive from Bolesławiec.
“Grandfather Mikołaj — the mother wrote in a filing to the court as an allegation — wants to spend every free moment with his grandson. He claims that Saturday, Sunday and holidays are his time to take his grandson. Every Saturday he comes and demands that the child be handed over. He orders me to pack the child, regardless of whether I have something planned with him for that day. He refuses to leave until I hand the child over to him. Marek’s father allows his own father to behave this way. It happens that when I am at work, Mariusz gives the minor child to his grandfather without my knowledge or consent. Mr. Mikołaj has a very strong influence on his grandson and son, as well as on other people around him.”
Grandfather Mikołaj is a 54-year-old, medium-height, stocky, well-groomed man. He speaks decisively and clearly; his manner visibly conveys confidence and reliability. Although he openly communicates his dislike and lack of warmth toward his grandson’s mother, he does not use uncivil words and is even willing to assess his son’s partner’s situation objectively. He also talks about attempts to speak, negotiate and reach an agreement with the young mother. He is a man who would move heaven and earth for his grandson. His immense attachment to the child is evident in the way he talks about Marek and the stories he tells.
“The mother called me to come to Bolesławiec and remove a tick from the child,” he recounts one story. “The child trusted only me and calmed down only with me. When Marek had to take an antibiotic, but his mother and her mother could not give it to him, I calmed the child down over the phone, because eventually they called me. They wanted to force the antibiotic into him and stressed the child so much that he had a panic attack,” the grandfather says.
The stories told indicate that the grandfather had cared for his grandson since birth. He spent every free moment with him while working professionally during the week. He also organized trips to amusement parks during school breaks and holidays. As proof, the grandfather shows a personalized calendar that Marzena made and gave him as a gift. The photographs commemorate the grandfather’s trips with little Marek to Świeradów and Szklarska Poręba.
According to information obtained from the grandfather, he supported his son and Marek’s mother financially, contributed to the rent of their apartment in Bolesławiec and repaid part of the loans taken out by the young couple. He also bought Marek clothes, shoes and toys, and sponsored trips with the child during holidays and school breaks.
The court-appointed probation officer sent to grandfather Mikołaj’s home, where little Marek was staying in March, recorded in her report: “In conversation with the minor, I established that he likes staying at his grandparents’ home. When asked, the boy said that he was waiting for his father to return from work, wanted to see his mother, but did not want to live with her, which he did not explain in any way.” There is also the following entry: “He said (the boy—editor’s note), that he owed his games and acquired skills to his grandfather. The minor did not mention either his father or his mother in connection with these activities.”
Despite what would seem to be the probation officer’s favorable opinion of the grandfather, the court ordered Marek to be forcibly taken from his grandparents and father and handed over to his mother. Since then (the end of March 2023), Marek has lived with his mother, while his father, under a court order, visits him on Wednesdays and takes him on Saturdays. That is when Marek sees his grandfather Mikołaj.
The child’s father
In the filing Marzena sends to the court, her partner is not described as an exemplary father. The woman accuses her partner of sometimes being aggressive, regularly attending club parties and drinking alcohol. She also suspects him of using drugs. Marzena complains to the court that her partner speaks negatively about her as a mother in the child’s presence. In addition, the woman claims that, to punish her, her partner takes their son to his grandparents and does not bring him back for a long time. She further adds that Mariusz does not contribute to the child’s upkeep, does not pay for preschool, does not buy the child clothes or shoes suitable for the season, and does not contribute to extracurricular activities or attractions in which the child participates.
Mariusz is a tall, slim, well-groomed man in his thirties. Gentle and calm. He answers questions matter-of-factly. Next to his father, it is clear that they do not have similar temperaments. The grandfather paces as he talks about what happened to their family. His son is much calmer, although equally affected.
The child’s father has worked since Marek was born and is still permanently employed. He works shifts at a large company. Does he look like a partygoer? It is difficult to say. The fact is that he works regularly and keeps his job. If he parties, it must be ordinary leisure activity rather than a lifestyle.
“Do you remember how I had to leave work once more,” he says to his father when the allegations that he is not interested in his son arise, “and warm Marek’s milk in a bottle because she couldn’t?” he reminds his father of an incident from about three years ago.
Mariusz expresses his concern for the child in a different way. The way he does so proves that there is a lack of trust between him and his partner.
“I installed a hidden camera because when I was at work, I could not find out what was happening between the mother and son,” he explains when I ask why he secretly recorded his partner. “I would come home from work; she would be in one room crying, and my son in another. Marzena did not want to explain what had happened. That is why I decided to record her,” Mariusz adds.
The recordings made by the hidden camera are now evidence in the case. Marzena says at the meeting that she has not seen them yet. Instead, she shows text messages she received from Mariusz when she asked when he would bring Marek back, because he was late while with the boy during the court-appointed hours. The number of expletives and insulting words visible there is staggering. The messages sent to his partner are one continuous stream of abuse: “You fake wh*re, you f***ing b****.” There is no way to justify speaking to another person in this manner. When asked about the story of Mariusz leaving work to prepare milk for Marek, Marzena says she remembers nothing of the sort. She only adds that Mariusz took out loans, including loans for her, and that grandfather Mikołaj repaid them.
The mother is the most important
It is easy to be a grandfather; one no longer bears the responsibility parents have for raising a child. To put myself in Marzena’s position, I imagined a situation in which a young woman without parenting skills is trying to fulfill her ideas of being a mother. The demands placed on her by her surroundings, family and culture, and the feeling that she lacks the support she needs from her partner. I imagined that a small human being with his needs was too much and too difficult for the young mother. The help she received in caring for the child, offered by a grandfather in love with his grandson, may initially have been very attractive, but over time the woman felt that she was losing control of the situation, that parenthood was slipping from her hands, that she was no longer the one influencing the principles by which the child lived.
The son adores his grandfather and repeats what the grandfather says. For a preschooler, the grandfather’s life philosophy, way of acting and principles are unquestionable. In addition, the same grandfather is, to put it mildly, no fan of the young mother. He may not criticize her directly, but gestures or atmosphere are enough. The young woman may have filled in the blanks about the grandfather’s dislike of her, and ultimately even exaggerated it. In her eyes, the grandfather may have seemed confident in raising her son in a way she was not. Mikołaj also received all the attention and, as it may have seemed to the mother, all the child’s love—the love the mother would have liked to experience as well. From her son, she received the part that is difficult to handle: frustration, anger and criticism of the rules she introduced.
The grandfather did not have to force his grandson to do anything. The child spent his free time with him: weekends, school breaks, holidays or periods when he was ill. When his mother had to take the little boy to preschool on her way to work, he, like most children, did not cooperate. He invoked his grandfather, who excused him from going to preschool, so he was a better caregiver than his mother. Marzena confirms these assumptions. She says she felt that the only part of parenthood falling to her was its hardship, while she also wanted to have fun from it. It is natural for a mother to ask, and resent: why did this grandfather not encourage his grandson to understand the obligation to go to preschool? Why did she have to struggle with her son because of his grandfather? Why did he not make daily life with her son easier, but more difficult? On top of that, there was a partner who did not stand by her. According to Marzena, Marek’s father was not bothered by his father’s behavior.
“Mariusz is like a puppet,” Marzena says of her partner. “Whatever his father says, he does. I wanted to come to an agreement with him. I wanted him to take care of Marek, to spend time with him rather than leave him with his father. I still want Marek to have his father. I make mistakes; I am not the best mother in the world. The time when we were separating was really difficult. Marek heard a lot. Now that we are no longer together, I live alone with Marek, and it is better. We are doing well. We have a tradition of going to the seaside with Marek for his birthday. There is no traditional birthday celebration, just this trip. Marek is already looking forward to it. He was born in summer. I took Monday off work to have a long weekend. Mariusz does not want to let Marek go on Saturday because the court assigned Saturdays for his contact. It is difficult, so I will go for two days on Sunday. I suggested that Mariusz go with us, get a second room, and even, if he wanted, bring some girl with him. As long as he was with his son, but he did not agree,” Marzena says.
Marek—the child whose well-being is most important to everyone
When Marzena spoke with me, little Marek was playing by the fountain in Bolesławiec’s market square. Happy and smiling, he was with his other grandparents (Marzena’s parents) and had been promised ice cream.
During his parents’ separation and the battle over his well-being, he cried a lot, complained of stomach aches, wet the bed at night and vomited. It was difficult for him to part from grandfather Mikołaj, whom he saw less often because the court had “secured” him with his mother. He experienced the trauma of being taken away from his beloved grandfather by the police.
Marzena says that when asked whom he loves, he names every member of the family: two grandfathers, two grandmothers, his mother and father.
The court will decide what is “good” for Marek.
The hearings will drag on. From what can initially be seen, the adults will not give up the fight for the child’s well-being so easily.