Drip... drip... drip... – raindrops beat rhythmically against the windowsill. The cat purrs carefree, curled up on my lap, surely dreaming of a great lake of warm milk. Once again, I think back to the time that has passed since I moved into YOUR yard. It is both a lot and very little. Sixteen months, and at the same time an eternity. Me then and me today. Two strangers to each other...
Do you remember? Back then, I was childishly trusting and sensitive. I wanted to be one of You. Needed. Like You. My great love. I loved you, you know? For your optimism, your cheerfulness, volleyball matches, long walks, greedy kisses, for everything you brought into my life.
Anka's warnings and those of the whole world did not frighten me. I laughed while holding your hand in mine. Everything was beautiful, and people were so wonderful....
“The most deceptive are the most beautiful butterflies,” Ewka once whispered to me. Now I know what disappointment tastes like.
You could not respect my otherness. My love of poetry, music, art and solitude. You always wanted me all to yourself. I suffocated in your arms, locked away as if in a cage; I had no time for myself, my friends or my family... The arguments, breakups and reconciliations began,,, I believed you blindly. I placed blind trust in you.
I remember that day exactly, as if a year had not passed since then. You called Anka an idiot. She was not my friend, merely a girl from the yard, but your words hurt me. I was raised to believe that one must not hurt other people, while you found it so easy. I gave you time to reconsider your words. I thought you would understand. The next day, you were with Sylwka. You left, wiping out our half-year together.
Don’t you remember my tears? You’re right, I didn’t cry. I returned home calm and composed. My mind was filled with such vast emptiness that I no longer felt anything.
I did not go and ask you to come back. I was too proud. I did not drop out of life. I attended English classes and was active at school. I returned to sailing...
They left with you. I was alone against all of you, against your yard. Day after day, in solidarity, you tried to destroy me, to break me psychologically. I ran away from you, from the laughter and insults... You would not leave me in peace... Love scenes beneath my window, taunts, throwing things at the window...
I did not break down, to your fury. There were They – my team, my friends... honest and beloved people. They surrounded me with warmth, warming me with their hearts and kind words. I found myself among sails, coils of rope and the most beautiful shanties. I had a reason to live... And the guitar took up residence in my heart along with Góra. I lived for trips, meetings, drills and the hangar. For Darek’s gentle voice and Tomaszek’s eternally raised one.
I loved you from afar, as one loves the dead. Calmly and deliberately... coldly...
I remember that Sunday. I returned home after four days at the Banner Rally. Sleep-deprived, dirty, dishevelled and happy. You were sitting on the bench in front of the house. You smiled at me and said, “Hi!” I knew you were no longer with Sylwia; I kept you at a distance. You knew how to approach me. All the fascination and love returned. I was foolish to try to deceive the time that had passed irretrievably. I tried to be with you and with the team at the same time. The yard was mine again. I had friends here again. But you miscalculated. I could no longer be moulded like wax. I was stubborn, consistent and principled. One day, after moments of confessions and tender kisses, you left. This time with Kizka. The day before, I had confided everything to her.
You claimed that you could not love me as long as I loved the Team. I had to choose. And suddenly came the thought that I no longer loved you. You tried to rob me, Mr. Egoist, of the most precious thing I had! What nerve! None of it would have happened were it not for Them... me...
I loved you. I write these words without a hint of regret. You are right, there is someone else now. He loves sails, water and wind, and I love Him! You tried to punish me by taking my yard away! I couldn’t care less!!! You are you! I chose what my heart dictated. I can only wish you good luck.