Christmas Eve family gatherings do not always look like scenes from Christmas song music videos. We sit together, eat a meal, enjoy a festive atmosphere and receive gifts, while a lump grows in our throats that cannot be swallowed, and our stomachs are gripped by anxiety. Have you had experiences like that? Many people feel intrusive stress during the Christmas Eve dinner.

Below, we discuss three mechanisms that often appear in such situations. We describe the symptoms and suggest how to recognize and counteract them.

    "Mafia-like loyalty"

    Decisions are always made with the family in mind. Individuals do not matter. If one of the members disagrees, problems arise.

    Specialists call this kind of loyalty “mafia-like loyalty.” In a family, it is an extreme form of systemic loyalty, in which allegiance is directed not toward the well-being of relationships, but toward the arrangement, secrecy and hierarchy.

    It is characterized by an absolute logic expressed in slogans such as: “You are either with us or against us,” “Family is sacred,” “Family matters are not discussed outside the family,” and “A debt of gratitude is repaid with obedience.” Although extreme, this type of loyalty reveals the mechanisms of pathological systemic loyalty, in which family bonds are distorted to preserve a harmful arrangement.

    Symptoms that may be noticed

    • A lack of boundaries between individual family members and the family as a whole
    • Punishment for being independent: family members are rewarded for obedience rather than for initiative or the courage to say “no.”
    • “If you are not with us, you are against us”: excluding others and creating divisions.
    • An atmosphere that limits creativity, makes it difficult to seek better solutions and affects people’s well-being.

    What can be done (practical tips)

    • Introduce clear communication rules: who can report problems and how, and how to protect those who report them from reprimand.
    • Establish your own boundaries.
    • Encourage different perspectives: invite outsiders, friends and loved ones who will stand by us.
    • Learn assertiveness and constructive dialogue.
    • Explain your decisions and ask others to do the same.

    The “scapegoat” and “golden child” system

    Tensions in the family are defused by identifying someone to blame. The “black sheep” becomes the scapegoat, while the “golden child” upholds the myth of the perfect family. Everyone else is expected to pretend that nothing is happening and remain neutral. We hear: “She is the problem,” “He is the family’s pride” — the roles are assigned permanently, and instead of being resolved, conflicts are attributed to a specific person. As a result, the truth may be hidden, the problem swept under the rug and responsibility blurred.

    Symptoms that may appear

    • A person accused of being the “black sheep” experiences enormous stress and helplessness.
    • The “golden child” carries the responsibility of being the family’s perfect representative, while the rest of the family has no opinion of its own.
    • Family gatherings often resemble rituals: decisions are made quietly, and the uncomfortable truth never comes to light.

    What to do to counteract this

    • Identify who plays the role of the “scapegoat” and who is the “golden child,” and distribute responsibility in a balanced way.
    • Involve the entire family, including those who have so far remained passive, in decision-making.
    • Take care of empathy, assertiveness and constructive criticism.
    • Do not punish yourself or others for telling the truth.

    Coalitions, triangles and the “family court”

    Instead of having an open conversation, decisions may be made “behind closed doors” by coalitions and alliances. We do not discuss problems directly, and when they arise, we gather a majority. In such a family, decisions are often made in a way that is unclear to everyone else. Information is passed through intermediaries. Meetings are organized at which you are expected to explain your position instead of speaking directly. You feel pressured to apologize, and you feel that this is meant to prove your loyalty and submissiveness. You are not supposed to think independently, but to feel uncertain about what decision the family will make.

    What can be done?

    • Speak openly
    • Take care of your emotions and feelings
    • Try to have conversations in a larger group so that everyone can express their opinion

    A healthy family protects its individual members and treats everyone equally, with respect and love that no one has to earn. Healthy loyalty is never obtained at the cost of human dignity. It is always worth fostering dialogue, clear rules and respect for boundaries. “Mafia-like” loyalty protects the system at the expense of people and the truth.