Why are more and more countries introducing or considering restrictions on young people’s use of social media and the internet?
Pandora Gate and the revelations concerning the sexual abuse of young girls, alcohol-and-drug-fuelled parties, and group sex while high are not incidents occurring exclusively in Poland. In its current form, the internet combined with a smartphone has turned out to be Pandora’s box, destroying human relationships instead of building them. The level of degradation is rock bottom. The more time people spend online, the sooner addictions and various kinds of substance use appear. Following a report published by UNICEF, The Guardian, for example, called for a total ban on using phones in schools. This is an attempt at de-digitalisation, which we are also undertaking at our Reset centre.
What is the situation in Poland?
In Poland, UNICEF’s appeal concerning de-digitalisation passed with little reaction, while before our eyes we are seeing more depressive states among the youngest children, as well as more suicide attempts. We are observing a decline in motivation to study, work, self-improvement or set goals. Young people are withdrawing from social life, shutting themselves in their rooms and dealing with problems of which their caregivers often have no idea. I believe that change is necessary and that it is our duty to promote it, but also to educate society—not only young people, but their parents, caregivers and educators too. Yesterday my ten-year-old daughter told me how her classmate had talked during lunch at school about pornographic scenes: “what that man did to that woman”, about the “moans and gasps”. Her mother probably has no idea that her daughter browses pornographic websites.
Why is violence online so dangerous for children and adolescents?
Violence online, including verbal abuse, intimidation, hate and threats, negatively affects the mental health of children and adolescents. Children and adolescents who fall victim to online violence experience fear, depression, anxiety and lowered self-esteem. They may have difficulty controlling their emotions and feel anger, sadness and frustration. Problems may arise in forming relationships, accompanied by increased distrust and a sense of threat. All of this clearly affects everyday functioning. Usually, it is only when the negative consequences of harm suffered online spill over into real life that the call for help becomes loud and is heard. It is not that parents and caregivers do not want to help; in cases of harm occurring to their children online, they most often simply have no idea about it. They are completely unaware of what their children are having to deal with. And children are afraid to speak up, or are simply ashamed—and a vicious circle forms, from which it becomes increasingly difficult for us, as parents, to pull a child out.
Where does online hate come from? What can its consequences be?
A teenager online is anonymous and bold in their actions. The perpetrator of online aggression often feels powerful and is driven by applause, particularly visible and tangible on social media and streaming platforms. The lack of supervision, role models and a point of reference means that harm is inflicted on the weaker, while its perpetrators feel no control over them and lack the ability to judge the situation soberly. Where would they learn that, after all? The same mechanisms operate here as in a real peer group, only without any control whatsoever. They are additionally fuelled by pressure and encouragement from peer groups and the desire to belong. And the consequences can be tragic.
What can online hate lead to?
Who among us has not heard Dominik’s story, which gripped all of Poland several years ago? The fourteen-year-old from Bieżuń died by suicide because he was overwhelmed by a wave of hate that he could not cope with. His peers called him a homophobic slur and mocked him for caring too much about his appearance. We cannot rule out that this pressure led him to an irreversible act. Even after the boy’s death, negative comments continued to appear on one of the social media sites. On open forums and beneath reports about his death, commenters did not hide their joy that the boy had died and continued the witch-hunt. This shows the scale of online hate—and how unpunished and unaware of the consequences of their actions its perpetrators remain. Hate can make its victims disappear: first from social life, as they withdraw from everyday activities, and eventually, if they do not receive help, like Dominik, disappear forever.
Why do young people hate themselves online? What does the phenomenon of digital self-harm involve, and what causes it?
Digital self-harm is a term for self-destructive behaviour online. Social awareness of it is negligible, yet our children are increasingly harming themselves via the internet. They write negative comments about themselves. They seek out content that lowers their mood and self-esteem. This includes content that speaks directly about phenomena such as depression, neuroses, self-harm, suicide and violence. But it also includes all kinds of content related to self-acceptance and striving for the perfect body, promoting anorexia or bulimia and stigmatising imperfections. A young mind without life experience, still working on building its self-esteem and sense of self-worth, is more vulnerable to this kind of message. Young people show me forums containing thousands of photographs of self-harm and boast about who cut themselves and with what.
Are self-destructive activities online a cry for help? Or are they more about fulfilling the need to be “cool”? What lies behind them?
As many problems as there are motives, although we can try to name and categorise them. One of the most important motives is certainly the desire to attract attention—a cry for help. By hurting themselves, teenagers want adults to notice them, direct their attention towards them and provide support. The second cause is rather surprising: in some circles, being hated means that someone is known, popular and attracting interest they would not receive under other circumstances. Another motivation is an attempt to elicit compliments. Young people hope that if they publish negative comments about themselves, someone will defend and praise them. It is simply a means of feeling appreciated and hearing words they do not hear in real life, or hear far too rarely. Regardless of the motive, we need to remain vigilant and identify the signals so that we can help in time and provide a young person with appropriate care. It is definitely more difficult than in real life, because psychological wounds are less visible than wounds someone inflicts on themselves with a knife or razor blade. It is a terrible truth, but unfortunately it is the truth. If we do not disconnect such a child from the internet in time, sooner or later someone will be cutting the rope.
How should we talk to adolescents about dangers, and what should we do when a problem occurs?
I do not have one universal piece of advice. When I hear a parent say that their daughter goes “from psychologist to psychologist” and says she can “make a complete fool of anyone” and that therapy is doing nothing, in a direct conversation with that person I say bluntly that she does not need to “make a fool of” me, because I do not know anyone greater than myself. Once we have got that stage behind us, I suggest moving on to specifics: finding the source of the drug use, drinking, self-cutting and lack of desire to live. I also try not to pretend, pity or dramatise. Young people sense falsehood and hypocrisy, and know quite a lot about various substances. I believe that taking a young person seriously and giving them at least a minimum of trust is the beginning of change. Because therapy is change.
What if parents or caregivers are unable to help?
Above all, let us not be afraid to ask specialists for help. If a child is experiencing significant stress, it is worth considering psychological support or therapy. A psychotherapist will help organise their emotions and increase their psychological resilience in the situation they find themselves in. At the same time, we should continually show children the balance between online and offline activities and encourage them to remain offline. Psychological and therapeutic support in a place that helps people learn to be offline and detach themselves from the negative emotions associated with online hate is provided at the Reset Centre. It was established to support young people who have become lost in the digital world. The centre’s mission is to help another person in crisis, understood as a loss of life balance. We believe that finding the source of crisis situations is the foundation of recovery and rebuilding self-worth. In the case of victims of cyberviolence and harassment, it is important for young people to feel that there is life after hate. That they have support and matter. In the case of digital self-harm, our aim is to show that it is possible to feel good about oneself and feel valued without involving social media and the internet. Our mission also includes supporting parents who find themselves in a difficult situation that seems to be slipping out of control—after all, the entire process of helping a child most often begins with them.