We buy, use it, it breaks—and we throw it away. Few of us go to a specialist to have something repaired. We buy increasingly sophisticated phone models, the latest fashion collections, faster and more efficient cars. The world today is no different from the world of years ago; in my opinion, it simply spins around us faster. The demands others place on us are high: do not get sick, do not complain, do not grumble, do not tell tales. When someone asks us on the street, “How are you?”, we do not expect the answer to be that someone is unable to cope with their problems, that their marriage is unhappy, or that they are troubled by a conflict with their parents, in-laws or boss at work. The street is not a place for listening to problems. That is why we most often remain alone with our problems, and the answer to the question “How are you?” is summed up by saying: “Same old troubles.”

You cannot buy a new psyche on Allegro

Unfortunately—or fortunately—you cannot exchange or throw away your own life like a worn-out pair of shoes; you cannot order a new psyche on Allegro to replace the one you have. Contrary to what the surrounding world, with its disposable culture, offers us, bad experiences cannot be exchanged for good ones by handing the old ones over at a trade-in point.
When I was in primary school, I was threatened with the words: “If you do not improve, we will send you to a psychologist.” In fact, I never saw a psychologist at primary school, but my fear of one stayed with me for years. You went to a psychologist as punishment and told no one about it, because it was shameful. The fear and belief that psychologists are for people suffering from neurosis, depression or other mental disorders or illnesses still persists in many people today. So how can one go to a psychologist?!

How I help and what I can do

I am now 46 years old and have been a psychologist for more than two years. On a daily basis, I work at the Health Office in Görlitz, 50 km from Bolesławiec. Previously, I do not hide, I was a pastor for more than 11 years. Five years of work in parishes in Germany and more than six years as a military chaplain in the Bundeswehr is a long time, and those years cannot be forgotten. Nor do I want to forget them, because my current work also involves working with the soul. As a psychologist, I treat people holistically: body, soul and psyche. If one of these is ill, the other parts also grow weaker. My experience as a pastor is very useful in my work as a psychologist, especially with people who have lost loved ones, are grieving, ask about the meaning of life, and are often patients diagnosed with cancer. Several years of work in the military and completed stabilization missions in Kosovo and Afghanistan help me work with people who have had similar experiences but cannot share what they went through there with anyone. I also help clergy when they decide to change their lives.
I teach my clients, with respect and joy, to listen to themselves, notice their needs and articulate them—sometimes for the first time in their lives. I teach them to notice the positive aspects of their personalities, to respect themselves and to like themselves as they are, without judging their worth. Let others judge; I do not have to. All of this is a process, and it takes time.
Unfortunately, we are taught something else: to fight pain immediately. Because we have to be even more efficient and ready for action, because it is not worth waiting, because only what brings immediate improvement is good and effective. Likewise, many people who go to a psychologist think that the psychologist will utter a magic spell and that all their problems will disappear after an hour of conversation.
Unfortunately, I do not possess that talent for magic, and my notebook of spell formulas has gone missing somewhere. Change requires time, openness and willingness. Therefore, if someone is expecting a miracle, they should not go to a psychologist. It would be a waste of time and money.

We rarely talk about our pain

In my work as a psychologist, I meet people who are reluctant to talk about their problems. Often, we are not allowed to talk about what troubles us because the matter concerns not only us but also our family—and after all, one does not speak ill of one’s family, or “wash one’s dirty linen in public.” Most often, the reason for this behavior is our own beliefs, which we have adopted almost entirely from those closest to us. Others should know nothing about us, because if they find out, it will be shameful. Shame is precisely the brake that prevents us from talking about our problems. If I tell someone about a tragic situation that occurred at home, am I being a good son or daughter? Unspoken and unprocessed matters, and mistaken beliefs about ourselves, can be the cause of many psychosomatic illnesses (cancer, depression and neuroses), while conventional medicine generally does not treat the causes, only alleviates the symptoms. Sometimes, to avoid a relapse, it is worth working through one’s past and becoming aware of what we carry within us.

When Is It Worth Meeting with a Psychologist—and When Is It Not?

The title of the article poses the question: When is it worth going to a psychologist, and when is it not? If someone expects a prescription for a pill or a magic spell, I will say straight away that it is not worth it. They will only be disappointed and discouraged. If someone expects good advice, they should also consider whether it is worth arranging a conversation. If someone expects a psychologist to change the behavior of their child, husband, wife, mother-in-law or boss, they should really use the money they would spend on a psychologist’s appointment to buy themselves something else. In such situations, it is not worth going to a psychologist!
If someone needs support in making a change, in dealing with something they cannot cope with, I will say it loudly: it is worth it. If someone feels bad about themselves within their family or relationship, it is worth talking to someone who can show them a different perspective, ask different questions and, above all, neither condemn nor judge nor trivialize the matter. If someone wants to work on themselves, learn self-respect and learn to appreciate themselves, perhaps they should say: Why not? It is worth going to a psychologist!

CONTACT

New therapy office: Zbigniew Mlak, born in 1970, a graduate of the University of Social Sciences and Humanities SWPS in Katowice, specializing in clinical psychology, and a psychologist at the Mental Health Clinic at the Health Office in Görlitz, runs a private practice at the Fons Vitae clinic at 29 Karola Miarki Street in Bolesławiec, tel. +48 772 211 083, email: zbigmlak@yahoo.de