My grandmother used to say, relying on an old Polish dream book, that “dreaming of a tooth falling out” meant misfortune. I dreamed that my teeth had turned brown from tobacco, and frightened, I rushed to the bathroom for “blend a med” toothpaste—the one they spread on eggs on television.
At that moment, our neighbor dropped in and, frightened, taking out a piece of “Wringli Spermind gum,” shouted that our daughter was flying around the house on “Always” wings. When we began shouting at her not to do it, she flew straight into a puddle in her blue jeans. My wife, who had already been washing dandruff off one half of her head in the bathroom for the second week—the first half having been washed the previous week—threw our daughter straight into the bathtub, adding some new, improved Lanza to the water.
Our daughter became whiter than white. When Grandma, who was sitting in an armchair with a cat on her lap and a bottle of “Whiskas,” saw her granddaughter, she fainted. Grandpa, who at that moment was making a waterfall in the kitchen sink while cleaning his dentures with “Corega tabs,” hurried to help, forgetting to turn off the tap. When Grandma was revived with “Mentos” tablets, we set about rescuing the flooded kitchen. Fortunately, “Pan Proper” came to the rescue and cleaned everything.
Later, our son came home from school with a failing grade in his Polish notebook because, in a test, he had written that Sienkiewicz’s greatest work was the novel “Ociec prać.” I ran out of the house and got into my “Renault 19,” speeding along the tracks straight into a tunnel, but immediately turned back because jealous gangsters began shooting at me. Completely exhausted, I sat down for a moment with a cup of Tschibo coffee with Completa, nibbling a “Mars” bar, which is good for everything.
Suddenly, I saw WC Kaczka flying into my bathroom. I grabbed a shotgun to shoot it, but it was already gone. While searching for it and exploring the inside of my toilet bowl, I woke up. “It’s not a vision, it’s Vizir,” a voice from the loudspeaker reached me.
Now I no longer know whether it was a dream or not.