A friend sent me a link to a joke popular online, a manifesto of uncomplicated men. It says that men are very simple, while we women complicate life for ourselves and, above all, for them. Such jokes are always full of stereotypes concerning both women and men. They also involve looking at ourselves from a distance, which is good for both sexes. That is why, based on the text she sent me, I wrote instructions for handling a complicated woman. For fun and as a joke—even at my own expense—as an extremely complicated woman.

  1. We women are really complicated. So complicated that the mystery of the universe’s creation is, compared with us, like a sandcastle made by a two-year-old next to Mount Everest.
  2. We understand every subtle remark, subtext, play on words and slip of the tongue, and connect them with your body language. Don’t say what you want; we already know. And that does not bode well for you.
  3. If we ask you a question to which we do not expect an answer, we do not expect the answer you have just given us—we expect a different one.
  4. If we ask you to pass us the bread and, when you do, we burst into tears, it is because we consider this irrefutable proof of your infidelity. It does not matter that you do not understand it or know how it works. Perhaps it is too complicated for you.
  5. It always makes sense to ask what we are thinking about. Contrary to appearances, you will be pleased with the answer. Although we think about sex only 0.5% of the time, the rest of the time we think about you!
  6. If we are not thinking about you, we are also sleeping with other guys.
  7. It is something like a full moon. Unavoidable.
  8. Those other guys, which may shock you, like going shopping with us. If they lie, they do it better than you.
  9. When we go out somewhere together, you will not appeal to us in every respect. We may also be embarrassed by you if your items of clothing do not match and the cologne you used repels our friends. It is not merely complicated. It is cruel that we are like this.
  10. We earn our own money, so the amount of clothing—and especially shoes—we buy with it should not concern you.
  11. The number of men’s and women’s shoes cannot be subjected to any analysis. There is only one rule. You have three pairs of shoes, have bought no more than three pairs of trousers and have one suit as well—no problem. Do not, however, expect any cool girl to date you.
  12. We do not give simple answers such as “Yes” and “No.” Not every question can be answered that way. Try answering yes or no to the question: What did you do all night and who were you with?
  13. If we are solving a problem, we have to talk about it, because that is precisely how we solve the problem. Is that so complicated?
  14. We pretend to have a headache only when we are not attracted to you. That, at least, should have been simple for you long ago. Do you want someone like yourself, whose head never hurts? Become gay. Men do not have problems with that, as you claim yourself.
  15. If we say something that can be understood in two ways, it would be best if you found two more possible interpretations yourself; then you will get the full picture.
  16. We know more colors than you do. What does that mean? Our world is more colorful. That is all.
  17. You cannot like beer the way you like a handbag. You drink beer with someone other than us. And the drinking and company, in which we are absent, give you pleasure. That is bad. A handbag only gives pleasure. And that is good.
  18. You can start seriously worrying only when we answer “Nothing” to the question “What happened to you?”, because something terrible has happened!
  19. Ask me whether I love you and ask suspicious follow-up questions to check, because we more often stay with those we do not love. We do not know whether we really love them and deceive ourselves.
  20. We are extremely complicated and advise you to start studying and learn about us. When misunderstood, we do not have sex, make your lives difficult, complain constantly and, at best, cry hysterically.
  21. Yes, we have trouble meeting our own needs, because you, simple man, or your children are always most important to us. And that is truly complicated.

The men’s manifesto that served as the model for the statements above can easily be found by typing “We men are very simple” into Google. I am not the only woman who has written her own text based on it. There are also other women’s manifestos online. I invite you to read them.

Grażyna Hanaf